After contemplating my thoughts for the last month or two, I have finally figured out what I have learned in 2009 and what I might make my 2010 New Years resolution. Everyone always has the "get in shape" resolution, which I do too, but I wanted something more. I am 25 years old and this time I want something that will count for real. I wanted something that would cause a major life change that would not only affect me, but effect others as well.
Before I get into that let me first start off saying that 2009 was a very hard year for me. A good one to learn from, but a hard one. Zac and I made it through our one year married mark, it seems like the "year of transition" was so hard that i thought we would never make it through. But now it seems like the waters are calming down and Zac and I are finding our place with each other.
Went back to school this year, which was very stressful. Had to organize with Veterans Affairs (since dad is a veteran) and also with my doctor (since I have ADHD) to see if there was any way I could get my school paid for. It sure is an ongoing battle when you try to get money from someone else you know? DAMN. Got this past year paid for and the finish line will be here in August. I am graduating with a gay degree, but I am just so lucky to be graduating. I never thought I would. The time flew by this past year, so hopefully these last two semesters go by fast too. I will be the first to graduate from my family so that means alot.
I watched Zac fall to rock bottom with his 5 year battle with weight and self confidence. I tell ya, there is nothing worse when you see someone you love or your best friend keep falling and there is nothing you can do about it. He thought all was lost but toward the end of this year I watched in awe as my husband overcame some of his biggest demons and temptations. He has lost over 50 pounds already and is trying to get in the navy to pay for his pharmacy school loans. He is finally going back to school in January to finish his last 2 years. He did the 180 degrees on his own without anyone’s help. Words cannot describe how very proud I am of him, and how awesome it is going to be to watch his confidence and body form into the Greek god he was when I met him...and i bet this time he will even pass that point. He is such a beautiful man that I catch myself watching his face while he sleeps while I get ready for work in the morning. He had a really really tough year this year, but he has no idea how awesome 2010 is going to be for him.
I lost 30 pounds this year, mostly because of the medicine I am taking so I can't take credit. I sure feel better about myself though. I love to dress up. I think that 30 pounds lost is a blessing and I would love to start the new year off with a new hobby of exercising and running. I would love to get back into weights and go for my old look of "I'm a little butch but a little hot too". I know I just got to get out there and do it, and I know I can, so as most people say, this is one of my little new year's resolutions.
Had a lot of stressful situations come up with our animals this year. Having 2 dogs in the house with my 2 cats in a town home was a dumb dumb DUMB idea on my part. I swear i feel there is nothing I can do to make myself like these 2 dogs. I know that these two fur balls are major stressors in my life and I am hoping to find a solution to this major problem this year. They have been a thorn in my side all year in 2009 and they made me really upset many times. Caused and is still causing fights with Zac and I. I am not saying that I am going to work on loving the dogs and loving the fact that we are all crammed together, but I hope that I am either given the grace to accept the situation I put myself into or pray for God to be resolved in the way God wants it to. Cause I just don't like it, and that is that.
Had a lot of friendships tested this year which caused invisible grey hairs to come up on my head. I had to truly come to the conclusion that I give of myself, my time and my resources to a limit that gets me burned every time. Instead of trying to tame a lion, I just put my head in it's mouth. I am learning to be very content with the very few friends I have. HOWEVER, I have had a wonderful blessing this year. I had some new friends placed in my life since I started my job. So even though I might have been faced with some tribulations before, it is so worth to be gaining friends like them in return. I am looking forward to the New Year with them and seeing what type of trouble I might get into with them.
Another fear faced and overcome. The beginning of 2009 I was fired very unfairly from my job at Hoover working with individuals with disabilities. No reasons, no explanations, just got the box. I was devastated. I gained about 30 pounds in a month and didn't leave the house. I cried and cried because I loved my job (H-A-T-E-D the boss lady though). I was terrified. I had just gotten married and just bought a house, new bills and I was making good money. How was I going to get paid like that since I didn't have a degree? I WAS SO SCARED AND PISSED. However, because of prayers and family, I ended up landing a great job at a law firm and loving every bit of it. I do not mind going into work every day, (but sometimes i wish i could sleep in though!) I have had to slowly but finally say goodbye to all of my Hoover kids in my heart, which really took the whole year for me to accept and to heal from.
I started some bad little habits this year. Smoking was one. Not that I think I am addicted to it, but I noticed that I am smoking a lot more than needed. With a beer….no biggie, but when I am trying to hide it, then it’s a problem. I think someone gave me some advice one time… “if you have to hide it, then you don’t need to be doing it. “ Used to be that I thought that can do whatever…it is just how good are you at not getting caught. But now I think that I am at a point in my life that I don’t want to be in that situation and I would just play by karma’s rules.
Had to go to the doctor to face that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which might make my chances having kids tougher than normal. Made me a little upset to know that later in life I might be faced with some health issues because of this. I guess I have given this weight up to God finally and I am glad that I have this doctor visit over with so I can take care of myself early on.
I fell off the church train. I really regret I did. I gave a lot of my time this year to the church. I lectured and helped with the “Engaged Encounter” group at church. But towards the end of the year I fell off the train. I hope that since we are starting the new year, that I start church on the right foot. God has always been so very good to me, I should give back. And I am doing such a crappy job.
Other than school , first year a marriage and other relationships being tested, losing and gaining a job, and all these little bumps in the road, I was faced with one of the hardest situations in my life around the end of this year. I wish I could delve into detail with names and all, but I am not able to, sorry. After crying hysterically for 2 days, losing 5 pounds and having a genuine panic attack, I (along with the help of some family and my doctor) realized that NOBODY is allowed to affect my feelings like that. I think that I am a genuine person that is fair and very easy to get along with. I think I was blessed with a heart that can sense right and wrong and what is fair and not. If I make a decision that involves other people, I think that I am usually very fair. I should never be made to feel guilty about a decision I make if I try my best with every effort to be fair and nice.
This year I was told that I am sometimes a person who gives too much. That I give more than I should and that I expect the same in return sometimes. This leads to my heart being broken. I was told that I let others affect my feelings far too much. I was told that I let “my day” affect my mood and my feelings. If I had a bad day, then I would be in a bad mood.
So that is my New Year’s resolution. I am not going to give so much to a point where I am stranded like a fuel tank on empty. I am not going to let people make me feel guilty or upset me especially when I am trying to be fair, honest and nice. Cause when I let people or situations get to me, I get physically sick and anxious. So instead of me trying to not get sick or anxious, I will just not put myself in that situation. I also want to add to my new years resolution that I will try harder to be nicer and sweeter to Zac (and others too) even if I have had a good or bad day. He deserves it. I think that if I treat him kindly and do little things for him, he will learn how to do it for me in return. At least I hope for that.
I think that 2010 is going to be a big milestone in my life. I feel like a lot of my life’s accomplishments are going to be done in 2010. It is going to be a good year.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Mae - I'm so glad you and Zac spent the first day of the New Year with us! We had a blast hanging out with ya'll. I'm sorry you had such a rough year, but there is a reason and a purpose for everything. Most everyone's first year of marriage is challenging. You are learning very quickly how the person you married and committed your life to deals with crazy things life throws at both of you. Then, on top of the transition of marriage, you were in school and working full time! I can totally relate to how much that sucked going through. But when it's all over and you look back, you couldn't imagine going through it with anybody else and you realize how blessed you both are to have each other and you become a strong couple and strong individuals.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of my best friends and I think we will be friends for life! About your comment regarding losing/ending friendships...I think unfortunately that's part of life. Here's my opinion.....I'd rather have a handful of friends that I completely trust and would do anything for and vice versa than 100 people to call "friends" that only care about themselves. You are one of my handful! :)
It takes a lot of guts to post all of your thoughts and life events but keep it up. I look forward to reading more!!
Love, Rebecca